Thursday, May 17, 2012

See that pretty girl in that mirror there?

The strangest thing has been happening to me. I haven't really been sure about what exactly it is. Then it just kinda dawned on me yesterday. I think it is really important that I share it with you all. I think part of sharing this journey with all of you is being honest even when that honesty makes me a little vulnerable.

I have been telling all of you about how I have lost weight and blah blah. But I am by no means thin. I mean I still need to loose about 15 pounds before I'm not overweight. For my entire life since about puberty I have struggled with body issues.  At some points in my life it has been down right self loathing.

I hate to look at pictures of myself. I hate for people to touch me especially my stomach. I don't wear swim suits; and when I do, I spend the whole time in some place of dark, dark sadness. Almost two years ago I was an event with all my friends. I don't get to see them very often because we live all over the country. We love each other so much and wanted to take photos. There is a photo of us (with me in it) that made me just want to cry. (see below, I'm on the right in the green undershirt and black top shirt).

I honestly can't even believe I posted that picture. That is how hard it is for me to look at it. So I do crazy things like hide behind my hair. 

You can't see me behind all this hair right? I mean, who am I fooling? But maybe everyone is looking at the hair, right. 

Well, that person is gone. As I said, Yes, I have lost 31 pounds. So, yes, I am thinner, but I am still overweight. So here is what happened.

I was getting dressed, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "dang girl, you look good." So I hopped on the scale. . . no change. That is fine. But I was trying to find the reason. So, I just went about my day. But every time I did something I thought, "Wow, you look really nice in that shirt" or those shorts or whatever. And, yes, you read that right. I actually wore shorts. I don't think I have ever done that before. 

Then I was sitting on the couch and my husband looks different and amazing and has lost weight and he looks fantastic. I put my legs in his lap while we were watching a movie, and he says, "Dang Heather, you look so skinny." Then we were getting ready to go to bed, and he says, "wow, you look great. . . like a different person." 

It isn't just that I have lost weight. My skin looks great. I mean beautiful. Not a spot on it. I haven't even been wearing make up and it looks freaking flawless. But I just feel happier about the whole situation. I don't hate to look at the pictures of my new self. (see below a picture of me taken a few weeks ago).

As you can see, I don't really look that much different. But I feel great. I think I look so happy. I feel happy. I mean, let me say that again. I feel happy. Maybe it is all the nutrients in the food or maybe it is being cruelty free or maybe it is just feeling good about what I am doing, but I feel happy. I don't feel embarrassed by that photo. I realize, I still need to loose weight. I am sure I will. But the point is that things are going in the right direction. (See photo below taken about two weeks ago).

I don't know how it looks in this picture because that shirt is really baggy, but those are my "skinny" jeans. I need to go buy new jeans now! But more importantly, I can go out and have a good time with my family without feeling weird or like I need to hide. 

It is all because I decided to kiss cows rather than eat cows. I just feel good. I wish I could give this gift to everyone. I want to share the gift of being cruelty free and helping the environment. I for sure want to share the gift of helping your health with my friends and family, but I just wish I could share this gift of feeling happy about it with everyone I know. 

I know I have written a lot about how eating this way has affected my feeling because I can't just eat away the pain. I have been having some issues at work, and I haven't been able to eat away the anger. And that has been hard. Really hard. Because quite frankly, there is not enough zucchini in the world to push down and cover up anger. But I haven't wanted to eat ice cream. I did make a banana whip the other night, and that covered up a little bit. But come one, it was bananas and raspberries! 

I have had to deal with my feelings and not with food. I think it makes me a better person. It is weird. I have been making all our meals and that makes me feel so connected to our food and to my family. I am doing good things for our local farmers by supporting them. I mean, this whole lifestyle has given me so much to be proud of and it has forced me to deal with me. And the best part is that I can deal with anger and disappointment and sadness and betrayal and hurt all without a chocolate milkshake. I can do it without salty fries. I can do it without food to cover it up. 

The result is that when I look in the mirror, I feel good about myself for the first time in my memory. But this is enough about me. I promise the next posts will be all recipes and product reviews. 

1 comment:

KHow said...

I love your positive energy! Also, you look fabulous! Thanks for posting pictures from Austin on Facebook. I'm so glad we got to see each other. Stay well and keep in touch :-) xoxo