The Rotten Pie

My blog is normally a feel good, love yourself type of blog, but one way we can love ourselves is through empowering ourselves and those around us. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

I have been reading a very interesting book on Feminist theory. Before you boys and girls turn off, I have discovered an interesting dynamic that expands so much further than the stereotypical idea of a bra burning feminist. bell hooks (yes she prefers her name to be lowercase--and it is a pen name) said in her article "Feminism: A Movement to End Sexist Oppression" that to look at Feminism as an identity diminishes the true goal of the movement. Instead, it is better to look at it as advocating on behalf of feminism. She also explores how feminism is directly related to the causes that look at ending all discrimination and oppression whether it be based on sex, race, class or any other determining factor.


Bonnie Kreps further develops on this idea when she says, "We . . . do not believe that the oppression of women will be ended by giving them a bigger piece of the pie. We believe that the pie itself is rotten." How profound is that? The pie itself is rotten. Just chew on that.


Isn't that what we are all grappling with right now in America? A rotten pie? And how do we overcome the odds of getting food poisoning while being spoon fed rotten pie? Well we need to look to forming social groups based not on our perceived identities while social aims that benefit only our group, but we need toward benefiting society as a whole. Women in particular face a hard road because we are divided by our loyalty and attachment to the men in our lives and to our social status. There so many other factors that play into our lives. Not only that, in this recession, women have more and more been looked at to be the sole provider for their families and to provide emotional and parental support.

I am a horrible culprit of talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I see MY plight and the plight of those who are like me as superior. Our concerns are paramount and any other concerns interfere with our own struggle, but this is just a confrontational way of thinking that just perpetuates that current system. I know that we are better than that--there is no reason we can't fight sexism and racism while trying to fight against poverty. They all are related... they intertwine, and we can address them at the same time.

But this still leaves the problem what do we do? What can we do? Well I don't know your personal views on issues that are affecting women today, but we can talk about real reproductive health measures not just hear but in the world at large. We can urge businesses, our government, and others to advocate on behalf of oppressed women. We can speak with our dollars. Support a Women's charity, give to charities that support women in impoverished countries, support a charity that tries to end female circumcision.

But like I always say, it starts by being the ripe tomato. I am going to join my local chapter of the NOW organization, and I am going to start being an advocate on issues that matter to me through the auspices of this organization. I am going to advocate to stop human trafficking, to support reproductive health and rights, and to focus on better wages and standing for women in our community.

Revival

It is time to revive the Live, Eat, and Be Well blog. I know that my faithful followers have probably been disappointed that I feel off the blogosphere, but I'm back and I'm ready to ROCK this party!

So, as my Blog says, this is about my journey. As much as I hate to do it, I have to quote Miley Cyrus--"It ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb." So, in that spirit, I am sharing my journey with you. As those of you who know me know, this year has been challenging for me, so I quit writing my blog, but I figured out that we, as a community, work together to better our lives through sharing our journey. Thus, the blog is revived!

Reaching the summit isn't the goal...the goal is enjoying the climb!

I am starting my Ph.D program in January, and I think that it will give me a new wealth of material to discuss in this blog. I hope that by sharing my new insights that we can begin to learn together about how we can find the Mecca of happiness.

In this first, revived blog, I wanted to revisit something I talked about in my very first blog--being the ripe tomato. Being the ripe tomato means that we need to live our lives as an example for others. But something I figured out this year is that part of being the ripe tomato is not just sharing our successes but also sharing our mistakes so that we may learn and grow ourselves and learn and grow through the example set in both success and failure.

I know that I am growing and learning more about myself everyday. I often feel that I fall short of being the positive example that I strive to be for those in my life. But, I think that by sharing my experiences and perspective, I may be able to help you gain perspective on your life.

Ok, so no big didactic message in this first blog... just a revival.

Happiness and Compromise

I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness and compromise. When we are young, we just expect to be happy and for good things to come to us, but as we age, we learn that life is a serious of compromises. I have been thinking about how each compromise we make to keep ourselves happy or a loved one happy and each compromise has to be considered in terms of what we are willing to sacrifice.
If you have a personality like mine, you probably are willing to sacrifice too much--sacrifice to the level that we compromise our way out of our own happiness. I have noticed that I am always on the wrong end of the compromise--eventually. Recently, I noticed that in some of my relationships, the other person is always asking me to compromise. When these people ask me to compromise, they often seem to forget that I have been compromising all this time. In fact, I get told often "You get the good with the bad" or "You have to be willing to make compromises." What I have come to realize is that everyone has a breaking point in terms of compromise. Part of compromise is that both people have to be willing to make sacrifices in order to meet in the middle.
Recently, I was asked to make a compromise that I know will make me unhappy. I know it will degrade my personal integrity and will destroy my plans for my future and the dreams I had about how my life will turn out. Now, I know that life doesn't always turn out how you imagined and that things aren't picture perfect. I also understand that compromises sometimes led you down a road that is different that your original path. I also understand that it is important to compromise and sacrifice for those you love.
Where do you draw the line? This is the question I have been wrestling with. Where do you draw the line and a compromise becomes too much compromise. Where does self preservation begin and selfishness end. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to think only of myself because I find that selfish people are the most unhappy people. But, I do want to preserve myself. I have been thinking that I want to make the other person in this compromise happy (even though this person isn't compromising very much) and I want to be a good person, but I am faced with a compromise that will probably mean the loss of my happiness for a very long time.
Ok, so it seems pretty easy: Don't make the compromise. Right? Unfortunately, it goes back to that loving other people thing. It comes back to fear and all of those negative emotions.
What am I going to do? I'm not sure yet, but I hope as you are asked to make compromises, that you will consider your own happiness as well.... I'll let you know how it turns out.

Life is a Journey

I know I haven't written a blog in forever. If you know me personally, you then know that I have experienced an inordinately difficult life these past few months. If you know me and hate me, you are probably rejoicing in my misfortune. However, if you don't know what happened to me, it is not really that imporant to share.
Here is what I can say. Our journeys are very unpredicatable. We can never know what is coming next. The hardest things happen when we are the happiest and makes it seem so much worse. The most difficult part of life is learning to trust or giving trust to those who may have broken our trust in the past. During this journey, I have been trying to learn that we cannot control the things that others do, we can only control ourselves. This is where my mind is. This is what I ponder.
As I try to regain myself from the brink of loosing it, I will try to reclaim my love for my blog. Because events of the past six months have robbed me of so much, but I won't let it rob me of my love. You don't win that.

An apology to my readers

Sorry I have been absent for quite sometime now. I have been dealing with some family issues that have required much of my time. I promise to be back with new blogs in the next few days. Right now, I am battling a cold, so look for me soon!

Somtimes ya gotta hurt feelings

The number one value in my family is compassion--compassion for ourselves, each other, and for those we don't know. That means many things.
1. Forgive yourself. We often make mistakes and the hardest part of making a mistake is forgiving yourself, but you have to do it.
2. Forgive your family. Sometimes we can't understand a person's unique point of view, but when it is your family you must try. If someone is having a bad day or a bad experience, be supportive and forgive their attitude or sadness.
3. Give people the benefit of the doubt. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, why get road rage? Instead remember that you have probably cut someone off before. Maybe that person is in a bad place or having a crisis or maybe they just made an honest mistake.

Given all of this, sometimes you have to hurt people's feelings. This is especially hard for me because I try to have compassion for people in every situation. I was thinking about this after reading an article on MSNBC on preemie births. I was reminded of the first time my oldest daughter got really sick. My daughter has struggled with some fairly serious health problems that doctors have attributed to "an otherwise unspecified immune deficiency." Basically that means that she has a compromised immune system and no one is really sure why. She has since outgrown this condition, but when she was younger, she really suffered.
The first time she got severely ill, she was five months old. I was moving into a new apartment, and she hadn't been feeling well all day, but in the hustle and bustle of moving, we gave her Tylenol and didn't give it much thought--after all, kids do get sick. After we had finished up for the day, we started noticing that she was really lethargic, and being a young, first-time mother, I freaked out. We took her to the hospital on the corner. The emergency room nurse took her temperature in her ear and told me is was 102 degrees and the doctor would be in to see us shortly. Well as time past, she seemed to be sicker and sicker and I was questioning the temperature reading. I went out and nicely asked the nurse for a recheck, but she told me there was no need, and I trusted her--after all she was a nurse. But after sitting there for several hours, I knew something was wrong and asked the nurse to please come check again. Well, she relented and came in. Her fever was now 106.5 and she was septic. She was sent in an ambulance to the nearest children's hospital and it was touch and go for several weeks. I always wished I would have stood up to that nurse, but I didn't want to make it seem like I didn't trust her or understand that she was the expert.
Well after several more hospitalizations, when my daughter turned 18 months old, she had another crisis. Again, they took her temperature in the ear, and said it was nothing to worry about. Again, I knew this was something far more serious. We sat in the lobby for a little while, but I knew that I had to do something this time. Again, armed with my compassion, I asked the nurse nicely to recheck her because I knew something was wrong, but she refused because she was a nurse and she knew better. So, I had to hurt her feelings, and I called a patient advocate at midnight. I didn't care if I hurt her feelings or not or if I woke someone up. My child was sick. Guess what? She had bacterial spinal meningitis and was patient zero in an outbreak. One of the children in the emergency room who had a broken arm actually contracted it. I am glad that I spoke up and did the right thing even though it hurt someone's feelings because it was the right thing to do and probably saved more people from contracting it.
When I called the patient advocate, that nurse was on fire. She treated us horribly and said something about me being a hypochondriac parent and she didn't have time to deal with me. After my daughter was in the hospital for a few days, that nurse came an apologized to me. Maggie almost died. In fact, we were told to prepare ourselves. She pulled through, and I have been forever grateful that I was nasty with that nurse.
The point is that sometimes, compassion just won't work and you have to stand up for what is right even at the expense of others' feelings.
But how do you decide? Well, it is an individual decision, but here are some of my guidelines.
1. Is this an important issue--For example, are you trying to right a wrong. Did your cellphone company really screw you up and now you are trying to fix it, etc. Then yes, you need to stick up for yourself. Compassion is not about being a doormat.
2. Never be mean. You can always accomplish your goal without resorting to eighth grade name calling. There are always avenues to solve your problem. In my example, I used a patient advocate. In different situations maybe you need to speak to a manager or owner or possible contact the better business bureau.
3. Have your ducks in a row. If you are going to challenge someone, make sure you have all your facts and figures together. If you are calling someone out, you want to make sure that you are right.
4. Sometimes people need to know that they are wrong. We all hate to be wrong. We all hate to look foolish or incompetent, but sometimes we all are. It is not a unique experience to be wrong or to do a poor job on something. So, sometimes we need to correct that wrong. As you know, probably from experience, when someone points out that you are wrong--man does it hurt your feelings. So, naturally, when you point out someone else's faults, their feelings are going to be hurt, but maybe it will make them a better person, especially if you do it in the right way.

Remember be kind, be compassionate, but don't be a doormat.

Little Dog . . . Found

A few weeks ago we found this lovely white Shepard at my parent's house. She was playful and sweet, and you could tell someone had really loved this dog. We tried to ignore her and send her on her way, but she just kept hanging around.
Finally, my husband broke down and decided to bring her home. Well, I called the Humane Society, scoured the newspapers, looked for signs, and there was NOTHING. We assumed that she was truly a little dog lost. With wide and welcoming arms we brought her into our family. We had her sleep next to us, we took her to the groomers, the kids walked her, we really enjoyed having her around.
We just knew that we would never find her owners, and so, we took on the role of owner and really fell in love with this dog. For those of you who have pets, you know they really become part of the family.
Then the unimaginable happened. My daughter saw a sign for a lost dog. The picture was of our dog! My eldest daughter immediately let me know about the poster and how we should return the dog. I have to admit, for a few minutes, I actually considered not calling. My daughter, of course, thought we should "do the right thing." My middle daughter, on the other hand, said, "right thing? who cares about the right thing?" This perfectly highlights what was going on in my head. On the one hand loomed this great "right thing." But on the other hand was the very real to me reality that I loved this dog and considered her to be part of our family.
After all, the owners of the dog were strangers. I had never seen them before. I had no idea who they were. And, they had let the dog get lost. Maybe she was better off with me.
I think many of us go through life with this mask on. We don't know that stranger. We have no intimate knowledge of their feelings and we are only aware of our feelings. Since our feelings are more real to us, we tend to think about our own feelings almost to the exclusive exclusion of other people's feelings.
So what did I do with the dog? I called the real owner. When the nice couple showed up at our house to pick up the dog, I knew that they loved her and had missed her terribly. It was hard, but because I considered how worried and upset the real owners must be, I knew I needed to call them and give them their little dog back. Of course, they offered a reward, but we didn't take it. Knowing we had done the right thing was enough.
We had done the right thing because we considered the feelings of others above our own selfish feelings. You know what? That felt better than keeping the dog ever could have. Now she is frolicking in someone else's yard--happy as a clam and loved.
This was a great lesson in how giving sympathy and compassion to others can help us love ourselves. You release your selfishness and you release an inner angst. Trust me, when you think of others and show compassion and do the right thing, you win in the end.
Till next time . . . live, eat, and be well.